by Christopher Barr
Christmas is
a very odd time of year, where there are a lot of false reasons and ulterior
motives that are driving lots of people.
It’s like this act, where people all have to play along with this absurd
lie. But then there is the good side
that allows family and friends to come together and enjoy a nice meal around
the table.
Oh wait, did
I forget about all the presents? That to
me is another drawback to Christmas, is the gift giving. I get that for kids it’s all exciting and
surprising, but as you get older it all seems like an act, a role-playing
exercise that cost a lot of money in the end.
Did I mention that my favorite Christmas story is A Christmas Carol,
especially the first half?
For me,
along with the yummy turkey dinner with family, the best things about Christmas
are the movies. It’s hard to pinpoint my
favorites because I often have very different reasons for what I love about
them. There are the full on Christmas movies
that deal with Santa Claus of some other Christmas themes and then there are
the movies I love that simply take place during Christmas. I’m looking at you Die Hard and Lethal Weapon,
I’m not looking at you Iron Man 3.
But to me, I
love the ones that use the innocents of Christmas to help support tragedy. Like in the case of the Gremlins, when Phoebe Cates’ character Kate tells the story of her
father going missing on Christmas Eve and days later being found stuck in the
chimney dead. Kate ends her story with,
:…and that’s how I know there is no Santa Claus.” Depressing I know, but I liked the honesty
during a seemingly dishonest holiday.
When I was a kid back in 1984, I was in shock, along with the fact that Gremlins is a nutsy movie in the first
place.
While most
people are obsessing over shopping, I’m watching Christmas movies. It’s hard to watch them any other time of
year so you got to get them all in. Bad Santa is one of my top musts during
the holiday. This is the story of two thieves
and their method of attack. They plan
their heists during the Christmas season while most people are in a frenzy and
distracted, these two men can make their move.
It is one of the most hilarious movies as well; Billy Bob Thornton plays
one of the most dislikable characters in American cinema and I loved every minute of it. He was so depressed and on the edge of
suicide I couldn’t help but damn near piss my pants laughing.
Woman in Food Court:
Look who's here! It's Santa! Tell Santa what you want for Christmas!
Willie: [yelling]
I'm on my fucking lunch break, OK?
Woman in Food Court:
The manager's going to hear about this.
Willie: You think you're a
threat? You think you can make my fucking life any worse? Go ahead, take a
shot!
National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation is also a must during Christmas, where
you have to invite yourself to a Griswold big family Christmas. It’s a simple story where the Griswold’s invite
family, or in some cases not invite, to their home to celebrate the holiday but
of course things don’t quite work out as planned, those damn Christmas lights. There are so many gut-bursting scenes in this
movie but if I had to narrow it down, for me, it’s got to be when Clark is left
stranded in the attic for the day while the rest of the family go do some last
minute shopping. Clark is at first
screaming and yelling for someone to come save him, but settles into the whole
not-being-saved thing by playing old home movies while sobbing. Hilarious stuff, but when everyone gets home
and Clark’s wife Ellen opens the attic door and Clark, along with boxes and the
film projector fall straight down, wow, pissing pants with crazy uncontrollable
laughter. It gets me every time.
“Where do you think you're going?
Nobody's leaving. Nobody's walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family
Christmas. No, no. We're all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm
holiday emergency here. We're gonna press on, and we're gonna have the hap,
hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny fucking Kaye.
And when Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he's gonna
find the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nuthouse.”
A more recent
movie has been added to my favorite holiday fare, is Elf, I love the snow ball fight, it cracks me up every time. To me the joy of that movie is every scene
Will Farrell is in, which are pretty much them all. Elf was able to capture,
phony or not, the true spirit of Christmas thanks to Will Farrell. He’s like a little kid the whole time and it
was simple a joy to watch.
Scrooged with Bill Murray was awesome as well
with it’s funny spin on an old story.
Anything with Bill Murray is awesome as far I’m concerned. Jim Carrey as the Grinch was funny and sad really, but that’s what’s great about the
best of them, is they capture in their own little ways, that we must all just
play alone for the sake of childhood innocence.
A Nightmare Before Christmas was genius really. Taking a Halloween character like Jack
Skellington and seeing how he reacts to the world of Christmas, “What’s this.?
What’s this?”. This was well done
because we all love those fish out of water stories and this one, with its spectacular
special effects, stands as one of the best and most beloved holiday movies for
a great deal of people, let’s face weirdoes like Tim Burton but we wouldn’t
want it any other way.
Christmas is
the most widely celebrated holiday in the Western world, it is one of the
unavoidable holidays because at least on a consumer level, it’s half of most
businesses annual income. But what about
the religious aspects of Christmas and do they still exist or are we all just
too consumed with consumption? There is
that debate to ‘keep Christ in Christmas’ but the problem with that in modern
society is Christ is PR and money is the new religion, so Christmas has become
a series of buying unnecessary products as an obligation resulting from exploiting
a false holiday. The commercialization of
Christmas is truly people buying other people things they don’t need, taking
away the focus people should be using their money and time for. But
with our minds all directed toward a holiday orgy of stuff, those that rule
over us all get to profit in the billions.
After the smoke all clears most people are deeper in debt and stuck in
their station in life more than ever. 
Religious
people all just play along with their phony holiday, believing it was theirs in
the first place, when in ancient Babylon, the feast of the Son of Isis (Goddess
of Nature) was celebrated on December 25, long before the allege birth of
Christ. Christmas in Christianity was
stolen from the Pagans but the Old Testament showed an angry God that ordered
all pagan idols removed. Christmas, like
the religions themselves are all hand-me-downs from ancient times.
There will
always be conflicts between believers and the secular non-believers over the
level of religion in this very consumer holiday. Religious moderates and atheists alike will
celebrate because they have to really, if they don’t they are seen as spoilers
of the spirit of Christmas. For me
though, I’m cool for the most part with all the bullshit. I certainly don’t stress out over it all
because I see it as silly, a good chance to watch a good movie like How the Grinch Stole Christmas, or Elf and maybe for a little while I’ll
buy into the spirit of Christmas.
Pass the
turkey please….
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